Greetings, how are you? You were waiting for our monthly meeting, weren't you?
Jokes aside, maybe no one but me cares about what I write every month, but I still like to imagine in my fantasy world that you're eagerly waiting for me.

Actually, I wrote quite a few things this month. Many ideas crossed my mind, I did interviews and chats with AI again, but none of them really felt right. Frankly, my life has become quite contradictory when it comes to desires. I am incredibly lazy about everything, but if I'm going to do something, I want it to be the best — through the hardest and most complex way, of course.

Let me give you a concrete example. As you know, to avoid carrying attendance sheets and to prevent people from signing in for others, I set up a two-step attendance website with QR codes. From the outside, it looks like a great system. But the truth is, before every class, I feel so lazy about cutting those QR codes that I find myself cutting them crookedly at the last minute with a pair of scissors sitting in the car.

Then I said to myself, "Ahd, this isn't working. Let me buy some stickers and print them out so I can get rid of this cutting hassle." So I went and bought stickers. But then I realized the format didn't match the system I had coded. What would a logical person do? They would either buy stickers that fit the system or quietly go back to using scissors. What did I do? Because I was too lazy to cut, I sat down and coded a brand new, sticker-specific feature into the system.
It's actually funny when you think about it: To escape a simple physical action—using those scissors—the solution I found creates way more mental labor and chaos than just quietly fixing the problem. This is exactly how the architecture of laziness is built.

I'm actually in the exact same state of mind while writing this piece. One part of me says, "Tie it up nicely and end it," while the other part is struggling to tell you something better. I am both very enthusiastic and incredibly unenthusiastic.

People sometimes tell me "you are too pessimistic" and sometimes "you are too cheerful." But it feels like no one sees those moments when I am in balance. Sometimes I ask myself: Is it the state of the world that makes me so unbalanced, or does my lack of balance cause me to perceive the world this way?

There are many things I want to know, but a voice inside me constantly says: "What will you do with knowing, Ahd? You are responsible for what you know, not for what you don't."
If I don't know, I become unhappy living without understanding; if I do know, this time I become unhappy because I'll have to pay the price. Perhaps the real problem isn't about being happy or not; it's trying to tie happiness to a definitive reason.

Not to jump from topic to topic, but I want to ask you all this: Truly, is there anything in life that you can want without any contradiction?
Most of the time, I remain torn even about wanting something, fearing that if I get it, things might arise that I will regret.

This piece turned out a bit too much like a scale; there are pans, but no balance. So be it. Let this be a purposeless work, written just for the sake of writing, but left half-finished in my lazy state.

You tell me the topic for the next post; and if I don't feel too lazy, I'll write something.
If you felt a bit confused reading this piece, maybe this is your first Ahd post. You'll get used to it over time.

Until then, stay happy — and if possible, live without being lazy. 😄
Goodbye.