Hello friends.

I am a bit late this time, but this piece is one of those I normally write for myself. Let’s call it the internal reckoning I do every year, my new year speech… and let’s begin.

Seconds passed, turned into minutes; those became hours. What I said “would never pass” turned into days, months, and somehow, this year has ended too. You were the year I struggled with myself the most. Perhaps for the first time, while saying “I can do everything alone,” I sought support. And while waiting, I found it.

My trust in my mind was absolute, but there were moments this year when I doubted myself too. While asking “What can I achieve in life?”, I sometimes had moments where I asked “How did I even get this far?” I got tired, I strove, I succeeded; I failed, tried again, set out on new paths. I am both afraid of the future ahead and compelled to believe in myself.

I think, “What happens if I fall on my own?” but there are times when I struggle to stay standing under the weight of the responsibilities on my shoulders.

There are truly two things I enjoy in my life: what I write and what I read. I can do what I love, but doing what I don't love is becoming harder every day. I get tired. I struggle. It is too early to give up, but now too late to be stubborn about everything. I became clearly aware of my life and health for the first time. For the first time, I felt “too late” for some things.
But I know that I am exactly right here: A place where it is too late to say “too early,” but too early to say “too late.”

(My dilemmas and indecisions reflect in my language too. I am writing almost as if I'm waxing poetic. One side says “Hush, let no one hear your voice”; the other presses “Write, let the readers hear.” Instead of deciding which wins, I sometimes allow both.)

I want to leave a note for myself here:

The times you said wouldn't pass, passed. The things you said wouldn't go, went. Seasons changed, people changed, events changed. But at the core, we remained the same. Every hardship passes; do not forget the process, not just the result.

Ahd… who are you now?

Old me, I cannot fully understand you. Your essence is from me, your flesh and blood are from me, but you are not the old me. And I will not be the new you. Perhaps this stands somewhere between the sadness of fading away and the joy of handing over the future to you with hope.

I hope life treats you better than it treated me. If what I felt yesterday is not the same as today, what you feel tomorrow will be different from today too. But when you look back at this writing, I wanted you to feel what this version of me went through.

Everyone told you “don't be selfish.” You tried not to be.
But I will tell you this: Be selfish in some matters.
Not everyone will tell you this. Appreciate it.

Learn. Teach. Research. Change. Transform.
Be active, be passive too — it’s not what you are, but why you do it that matters. Try to do what feels right to your heart.

Even though we won't be the same person, we come from the same essence. Do not disregard the words of today's Ahd.

I wish you peace and happiness in your new year. Don't forget to smile for yourself.
Even if you struggle, I am with you. Maybe not in front of you, maybe not behind you… but I am here.

I leave my sincerest good intentions to my friends listening to this strange conversation I’m having with myself.

Stay well.
Stay happy.