Hello everyone,

Although it's been quite a while for me, it might seem like a normal interval to you I'm finally back to writing again. Whenever I feel like writing, it truly brings me joy. How can I describe the feeling? You know that excitement when you find something fun and can't wait to tell your closest friend about it? That's exactly how I feel when I sit down to write.

You might be wondering, "Okay, you're hyping this up, but what are you actually going to talk about?"
To be honest, I don't have a clear topic in mind. I may have disappointed you already?sorry about that. But this time, I want to share something more personal my attempt to better understand people.

The weather outside is gloomy. There aren't many things or people around me that bring joy. So I've been spending most of my time at home. The Ahd from six years ago "pre-pandemic" would have been shocked: "How can this guy stay home for so long?" But the Ahd of today is, let's say, a bit in love with his home.

As I stayed home, I found myself diving into all sorts of strange books. I started reading with the belief that "If I surround myself with happy things, maybe I'll feel happy too." But the deeper I went, the more I realized that the dreams I built, the longing I felt, and my urge to write were all rising to the surface.

Books helped me see again what I had long suspected: people we think are happy, those we envy and say, "What a cool life they have," often carry deep traumas and painful experiences behind their behavior. I've been going through a phase where I haven't been able to say "I'm glad I met them" about anyone for a while, which made me reflect on past times even more.

Those who have talked to me even a little, who find me somewhat intriguing, often hear me say this:
I tend to use people as "references."

What do I mean by that?
If I meet someone who catches my interest and they resemble no one I've met before, I mentally mark them. It could be something about their appearance or a specific behavior. Then, if I meet someone new who reminds me of that "person X," I develop my attitude based on my past observations of X. If the similarities are strong enough, my interaction with the new person becomes easier thanks to that reference.

That's why some have told me, "You're like you can read my mind." Of course, I've been completely wrong many times too. You could say this reflects my belief that "similar people tend to behave in similar ways." Unfortunately, people around me have been exposed to this bias and probably will continue to be.

I guess that's why I feel a bit distant from people who always try to look cheerful, travel all the time, are overly upbeat, and come across as a little naive. Because they're nothing like me. Maybe it's not fair, but to be honest, that's how I feel. Even though it seems like those kinds of people have become rare these days, they still exist.

Just as I was wrapping up my thoughts, a mosquito came and interrupted me, snapping me out of my flow. Now that I'm back, rereading what I wrote, I realize this is what I really wanted to say:
When you're unhappy, you often develop a curiosity"sometimes even an obsession" with things or people that seem happy. You study them. Sometimes you even feel annoyed by them. When you're happy, it's hard to understand these reactions from someone who isn't. But to me, as long as there's no intent to harm, this is completely normal.

Unhappiness breeds people who can't tolerate happiness. And these people, in one way or another, end up draining the joy out of those who are genuinely happy. If you ever find yourself feeling pleasure in someone else's sadness, then you've become someone dark, someone lost.

Not that I know much, but I'll say this in case you want to try it:
I find happiness in trying to understand and predict people. If one day you find yourself afraid of or disgusted by people, try watching or reading something that lets you connect with characters instead. And in between, write your own stories too. Maybe you'll find a little peace in doing so.

At the beginning, I mentioned the urge to write..
All these thoughts are really just an extension of that urge. Writing feels like holding up a mirror not just to express, but to understand myself better. Even if the topic isn't clear-cut, writing always feels like a journey. And maybe in this piece, I wandered a little, but in the end, I think I said something to myself?and maybe to you as well.

I won't drag it out too long.
Take care, and I hope to meet you in the comments to decide what the next post should be.